Benjamin Franklin is very famously accredited with the phrase “Honesty is the best policy”. But why is it so well recognized? Does the message itself hold any credence?
In many creation stories, the devil figure is always the first to bring pain, or suffering, or something of the sort into the world. Most famously, Satan, who took the form of a snake in the Garden of Eden; acted as the catalyst for the fall of man when he deceived the first man and woman. This deception took place in the form of a lie. As the rest of the Bible takes place, we see that when the Devil comes around, nothing good is about to happen.
So let’s say that lying came from the Devil, would this mean that lying is inherently bad? Well, yes it would. Do most people agree with this? No. If you were to ask a random person if lying is ever ok, they might give you an example that goes something like this:
Let’s say you have a wife. You love my wife very much, but not quite as much as yourself. Let’s say y’all go shopping and she tries on a dress. Now your wife has okay taste, but for some reason, she comes out of the fitting and asks the famous question “Does this dress make me look fat”. Unfortunately, the dress does indeed make her look fat. What we up the anty even more? what if the relationship is currently on the fringes, what if you’ve already had two strikes today? Is it ok to lie here, after all, how often will she even wear the dress? faining ignorance would nary arouse suspicion right? this is a question for a woman right?
There is a common phrase “too much of a good thing is a bad thing”. But I say, if this were the case, would there really be any good things? Does the value of Gold change based on the quantity? How about love? What about kindness or generosity? Could there be a bad quantity of these things? I don’t think so…
So lying in this example may work as a quick fix. You say no, the wife buys the dress everything is working out, right? Well no. Now you have constructed a reality with your words and actions in which the dress your wife bought does not make her look fat. Not only this, but you are now forcing your wife unknowingly to continue existing in this false reality! Is this a big deal? Yes, there are an infinite amount of ways in which your manufactured reality and the real one can clash. I’ll admit this is a silly example but it is dangerous for any relationship to be based on false pretenses. Bridges can get burned, feelings can get hurt, or worse.
Maybe there are some places the reality you’re living in which don’t line up with the real world. You should fix this. So if you accept the fact that honesty is ideal in the long run than maybe you’re thinking, I’m going to be honest 100% of the time. How do you deliver bad news, or “harsh truths”?
Two ways come to mind, the first is the compliment sandwich. This one consists of sandwiching the bad news in between two compliments. Using our previous scenario, the compliment sandwich might look something like this: “Well dearest, I love that color on you, however, it does make you look fat, but I think a bigger size may look even better”. The psychology with this one is that the recipient of the bad news will be distracted by the good things you have told them and therefore take the harsh truth better. After all, a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. The second method for delivering constructive criticism is known as “the velvet hammer”. The velvet hammer is being as direct as possible when presenting the problem, while also bringing a few solutions to the table. In our example, it might look something like this. “Honey I think that dress does make you look fat, but I feel like we can find one that would be more appropriate for that dinner party we’re going to next week”. I like this one because it shows you care and regard the issue not as pointing out a flaw, but as y’alls problem. It’s hard to say one is better than the other but personally I feel like the second one is more ideal for business situations as you don’t want coworkers to underestimate bad news. But either way, there won’t be a perfect way to say anything.
Just because the right thing to do is, to tell the truth, does not guarantee that no one will get upset with you for doing so. Actually people getting upset with you is arguably more likely. The main character of the most famous book ever, The Bible, is Jesus who spoke nothing but the truth. He ended up on a cross. MLK, Gandhi, Lincon, all died the deaths of martyrs because of their unwillingness to compromise on what they believed to be true. Now there are many reasons which cause people to dislike the truth and when this happens they usually do shoot the messenger. Nobody likes being wrong, and there are few people who will even admit they are wrong. Most people would rather continue to live in a world where the facts do not apply to them.
Smoking is bad. It is a proven fact that putting something in your lungs which isn’t air does indeed have a negative effect on the body. If this is a well-known fact than why is the industry still functional? (The short answer is nicotine) In every smoker’s life, they believe they are getting more utility out of smoking, than the effort it would take to stop for good, and whatever else they could think of to do with that time. I believe the lie here is that utility can be gained in the first place from something which over time can take years or even decades off one’s lifespan. The lie they believe is that lung cancer will not happen to them, or that they don’t need those extra 6 years to possibly see a grandchild. The lie is that it will not affect them negatively, and by the time they realize it has and will, they then buy the lie that quitting is too hard for them or that it is an ultimate pleasure, worth the risks. Have you ever tried to tell this to a smoker? I have not and I doubt it would even help because ultimately their reality is skewed and the only one who can shatter it is themselves.
There are many reasons a person can get mad at you from clearing the smoke and mirrors, but at the end of the day some people just want to watch the show without even considering the possibility of “too good to be true”. Does this give you an excuse to not tell the truth? well it does, but a very weak one at that. It also doesn’t allow you to avoid any of the consequences of lying to others either. If you become persecuted for the truth does this give you the right to become narcissistic? After all, what good are the people who won’t listen to what is true? NO, it absolutely does not. This is just as dangerous as proclaiming falsities. Just as your own mother did not give up after correcting you the first 5 times, you must not give up on your fellow humans when proclaiming what is right. Be honest, and if you’re wrong, be coachable. Nobody gets everything right the first time!
So in summary: 1) The truth is good, do not twist it to fit your agenda 2) It does matter how you say it 3) be sweet!
thanks for reading 🙂