The Best Policy

Benjamin Franklin is very famously accredited with the phrase “Honesty is the best policy”. But why is it so well recognized? Does the message itself hold any credence?

In many creation stories, the devil figure is always the first to bring pain, or suffering, or something of the sort into the world. Most famously, Satan, who took the form of a snake in the Garden of Eden; acted as the catalyst for the fall of man when he deceived the first man and woman. This deception took place in the form of a lie. As the rest of the Bible takes place, we see that when the Devil comes around, nothing good is about to happen.

So let’s say that lying came from the Devil, would this mean that lying is inherently bad? Well, yes it would. Do most people agree with this? No. If you were to ask a random person if lying is ever ok, they might give you an example that goes something like this:

Let’s say you have a wife. You love my wife very much, but not quite as much as yourself. Let’s say y’all go shopping and she tries on a dress. Now your wife has okay taste, but for some reason, she comes out of the fitting and asks the famous question “Does this dress make me look fat”. Unfortunately, the dress does indeed make her look fat. What we up the anty even more? what if the relationship is currently on the fringes, what if you’ve already had two strikes today? Is it ok to lie here, after all, how often will she even wear the dress? faining ignorance would nary arouse suspicion right? this is a question for a woman right?

There is a common phrase “too much of a good thing is a bad thing”. But I say, if this were the case, would there really be any good things? Does the value of Gold change based on the quantity? How about love? What about kindness or generosity? Could there be a bad quantity of these things? I don’t think so…

So lying in this example may work as a quick fix. You say no, the wife buys the dress everything is working out, right? Well no. Now you have constructed a reality with your words and actions in which the dress your wife bought does not make her look fat. Not only this, but you are now forcing your wife unknowingly to continue existing in this false reality! Is this a big deal? Yes, there are an infinite amount of ways in which your manufactured reality and the real one can clash. I’ll admit this is a silly example but it is dangerous for any relationship to be based on false pretenses. Bridges can get burned, feelings can get hurt, or worse.

Maybe there are some places the reality you’re living in which don’t line up with the real world. You should fix this. So if you accept the fact that honesty is ideal in the long run than maybe you’re thinking, I’m going to be honest 100% of the time. How do you deliver bad news, or “harsh truths”?

Two ways come to mind, the first is the compliment sandwich. This one consists of sandwiching the bad news in between two compliments. Using our previous scenario, the compliment sandwich might look something like this: “Well dearest, I love that color on you, however, it does make you look fat, but I think a bigger size may look even better”. The psychology with this one is that the recipient of the bad news will be distracted by the good things you have told them and therefore take the harsh truth better. After all, a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down. The second method for delivering constructive criticism is known as “the velvet hammer”. The velvet hammer is being as direct as possible when presenting the problem, while also bringing a few solutions to the table. In our example, it might look something like this. “Honey I think that dress does make you look fat, but I feel like we can find one that would be more appropriate for that dinner party we’re going to next week”. I like this one because it shows you care and regard the issue not as pointing out a flaw, but as y’alls problem. It’s hard to say one is better than the other but personally I feel like the second one is more ideal for business situations as you don’t want coworkers to underestimate bad news. But either way, there won’t be a perfect way to say anything.

Just because the right thing to do is, to tell the truth, does not guarantee that no one will get upset with you for doing so. Actually people getting upset with you is arguably more likely. The main character of the most famous book ever, The Bible, is Jesus who spoke nothing but the truth. He ended up on a cross. MLK, Gandhi, Lincon, all died the deaths of martyrs because of their unwillingness to compromise on what they believed to be true. Now there are many reasons which cause people to dislike the truth and when this happens they usually do shoot the messenger. Nobody likes being wrong, and there are few people who will even admit they are wrong. Most people would rather continue to live in a world where the facts do not apply to them.

Smoking is bad. It is a proven fact that putting something in your lungs which isn’t air does indeed have a negative effect on the body. If this is a well-known fact than why is the industry still functional? (The short answer is nicotine) In every smoker’s life, they believe they are getting more utility out of smoking, than the effort it would take to stop for good, and whatever else they could think of to do with that time. I believe the lie here is that utility can be gained in the first place from something which over time can take years or even decades off one’s lifespan. The lie they believe is that lung cancer will not happen to them, or that they don’t need those extra 6 years to possibly see a grandchild. The lie is that it will not affect them negatively, and by the time they realize it has and will, they then buy the lie that quitting is too hard for them or that it is an ultimate pleasure, worth the risks. Have you ever tried to tell this to a smoker? I have not and I doubt it would even help because ultimately their reality is skewed and the only one who can shatter it is themselves.

There are many reasons a person can get mad at you from clearing the smoke and mirrors, but at the end of the day some people just want to watch the show without even considering the possibility of “too good to be true”. Does this give you an excuse to not tell the truth? well it does, but a very weak one at that. It also doesn’t allow you to avoid any of the consequences of lying to others either. If you become persecuted for the truth does this give you the right to become narcissistic? After all, what good are the people who won’t listen to what is true? NO, it absolutely does not. This is just as dangerous as proclaiming falsities. Just as your own mother did not give up after correcting you the first 5 times, you must not give up on your fellow humans when proclaiming what is right. Be honest, and if you’re wrong, be coachable. Nobody gets everything right the first time!

So in summary: 1) The truth is good, do not twist it to fit your agenda 2) It does matter how you say it 3) be sweet!

thanks for reading 🙂

There are 9 Types of People

According to the enneagram test, there are not two types of people, but 9! The pacer gram fitness test, oops, the enneagram test is a modern conglomeration of many past ways of judging character. The Symbol for the enneagram which similar to a 9 pointed star has its roots traced all the way back to Pythagoras. The qualities or “virtues” and their counter-parts the “passions” have roots back to Plato, Socrates, and other neo-platonic philosophers from the third century. It was later studied by the Desert Fathers who helped develop the catholic canon. It is believed that this is where the seven deadly sins came from as there is a relationship with each virtue that it comes from a holy idea, and if you lose focus on this idea your ego will become fixated in pursuing something. I guess the relation is that once you become fixated trying to find something that comes from God, but not looking to God for it, you’ll end up sinning or separating yourself from God.

I am a huge fan of personality tests! Not so much like the “what kind of garlic bread are you?” ones, but tests like The Big 16 (Myers Briggs), Jung’s personality test, Personalysis, and this one are great. When done right these tests can do two things, tell you a lot you already know about yourself (and affirm how awesome you are 😀 ); but also tell you about your flaws. Few people like to be told in what areas of their life they need to improve, but, knowing these areas can help you become more aware. Aware of the possibly unbalanced scales when maybe your feelings are on the line. When the stakes are high, are you the type of person who should listen to your emotions? Or could you just be a bit worked up right now…

Nobody likes examining their flaws but learning what things you are prone to can help you recognize patterns or cycles you get into in your own life and how better deal with them too.

So my personality type is a 4; The title of this type is: The Individualist

I’ve often heard it said about me “Some people like to march to the beat of their own drum, but Eric, he doesn’t even have a drum”. Some people may take this as a “diss” but personally I have always taken it as a compliment. What does the website have to say about fours? Basic fear: is that they have no identity or personal significance. Basic desire: to find themselves and create their significance. This is elaborated on and basically, my type can identify as “different” to such a fault that they will assume that no one can sufficiently understand them or what they have gone through / care about. “Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem” (LOL). Paradoxically. they really hate being alone and have a strong desire to connect with people who understand them and their feelings. It is said that one of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of the past. They may hold onto negativce feelings about those who have hurt them or become so attached to longing/disappointment that they are unable to recognize the gifts they have in the present. They’re also referred to as the “romantics” of the enneagram.

Many of the flaws of a four stem from Envy, because at the end of the day; a four loves being individualistic but can’t help but envy “””””””regular””””””” people. While reading this I know it is spot on, luckily for me, I believe I have come to keep in check many of the issues my type struggles with. Mainly, it’s because I don’t have to lean on the understanding of man but rather that of God. Do you think God would waste his time making trash? Nah.

Luckily they don’t only list negatives on here! When functioning at a healthy level, a four may possess some of these qualities: The ability to transform all their experiences into something valuable, self-creative (whatever that means), aware of feelings and inner impulses, sensitive and intuitive to both self and others, tactful, gentle, compassionate, highly personal, individualistic, emotionally honest. Serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

If your a four hang in there you ain’t all bad! 😀

All my information came from here I advise you check it out if this was interesting to you!

Change

Change is a funny thing. It can bring us new financial opportunities, a new viewpoint, a new experience, maybe even take us to someplace we have never been to before. Why is it that people regard change with such disdain? Maybe it’s because we have had experiences with “change” that didn’t work out so well. For every new financial opportunity, there could be a thief lurking, for every new viewpoint, illogical propaganda, for every new experience, a scar, for every new place, an old familiar sense of despair. Change is scary. But it is better to confront the scariness willingly in hope of something better than to be blindsided by unknown complications due to the unwillingness to adapt. Once you decide that “okay, I’ll risk it for the biscuit , and start to welcome change in your own life (either because you’re bored of the current situation or because you have decided to “roll with the punches”) life will start to open up.

Now I have been talking about external changes so far and these are things usually mostly beyond our control. Yes maybe you did get that job, but the skill set you’ve been acquiring is what landed you that interview; or that sort of thing. There is another type of change which is arguably much more difficult to bring about.

This change is the internal one. The type of change that can change your default face from a constant frown to a friendly smile. This type of change can obliterate your entire worldview and leave you starting from scratch. It can be brought about not by natural disaster or military crisis, but something as trivial as the person in front of you comping your coffee; the only price being that they ask you to pay it forward. It isn’t usually this dramatic or simple though, it’s not common for someone to have experience, change a huge thing, and then “never doing (fill in the blank) again!”. This is not uncommon though.

Try examining an average day, look at from a perspective that time wasted is actually a disservice to yourself . Are there things in your life that don’t actually have a real benefit. What about if the excuses “I’m relaxing” or “It helps me decompress” are thrown out the window? Now I am not saying you should never relax. But I am saying that human potential and efficiency is nearly unlimited; and that if you don’t like something that occurs on a regular basis, there is something you can do to make it better.

One fairly common thing people like to change about themselves is an addiction. There are an estimated 18million people in the US who are addicted to alcohol (I’m sure the real number is much bigger but these are the ones who admit it). The most well-known way to combat addiction is the 12 step program or some form of it created by Bill Wilson. This program is used in AA, NA, and many others.

The steps are as follow:

  1. Admitting that a substance has control over yourself and it’s made life difficult
  2. Come to believe that a power higher than yourself can restore us to a better way of living
  3. Make a decision to turn our will and lives over to God as we understand God
  4. Create a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
  5. Admit to God and you’re fellow humans the exact nature of our your wrongs
  6. Become entirely ready to have this higher power remove all these defects of character
  7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
  8. Make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
  9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and we do wrong promptly admit it
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand God praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the results of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and practice these principles in all our affairs.

So having read these steps you might think hmm, this sounds suspiciously like religious teaching. Many of the places the 12 steps are listed the term higher power and God replace one another at some point. I do believe however the term God is appropriate because whatever you let control, or believe controls you is your God. It is however interesting, how the majority of these steps are contingent with you forming a relationship with a higher power. AA is a household name it it is a way to teach God to people who are quite literally lost in the sauce. How wonderful is that? The higher power doesn’t always have to be God as you think of him as some big man in the sky, but the higher power could be the love for your child, or family members.

The point I’m trying to make here is that change can be extremely beneficial, and while it requires you to have a certain attitude, you must also work with others to fix big stuff.

No man (or woman) is an island, I’m gonna leave you with some words my sister wrote to me when she was a high-school senior and I was a fishy in the school newspaper. “Everyone is put in your life by God for a reason, use them!”

love you sis <3